“They don’t have the moves or the muscle, but they’ve got the brains… It’s time for the odd to get even! Their time has come!” The Nerds Revenge – 1981
This slogan just about sums up the mentality of many who spend time thinking about how to seduce women – it’s not a feeling of wanting to understand & relate to the woman, it’s a feeling of revenge by wanting to get one over her.
This is achieved firstly through objectifying the women, namely through the pick up community. If you’re reading this, then there’s a very good chance you were sucked into it. I was.
By being a member of the pick-up community and actively pursuing women in this arena, you become an objectifyer of women, whether you like it or not. You only need to look at the very name “pick up” for confirmation of this. At first it feels like the natural path to sex but paradoxically is what is creating a massive disconnect between you and the woman.
The reason is, at the very core of pick up and its very foundation; is about admitting being needy and finding ways to complete yourself via the objectification of women and the validation from them. Even if you temporarily manage to hook up with a girl, after so long you will go back to this needy mindset because it is what you have become involved with, being part of the community.
However you dress it up, It fixates on the result with the woman and your ability to “pick her up” Nothing else matters. You need to get something from her. Only when you are successful in ‘getting’ will you be happy but only for a short time. More and more intricate ways of doing this are brought forward to the community, more and more pick up coaches, and bootcamps, yet the joke is, they are just perpetuating a paradigm which is holding you back and exaggerating your neediness.
And here’s the most destructive part – the woman is seen as the enemy and seduction a battlefield. Nothing highlights this more than the language that is used:
Open, Close, Sets, Disarm, Target, Field Report, Wingman, Approach
Language and words mean everything because they refer to the existing mental construct we have stored in our minds of a given situation and in this instance it refers to the pick up subculture meaning, which is being incomplete and needing to defeat the woman. By using this particular spelling, it casts a spell on you to behave in a way where you now fear women before you have begun.
Because of this search for validation, Instead of seeing women on a level playing field, we now confront them on a battlefield where in order to achieve your goal, you must adopt a mindset of command and conquer and do everything in your power to “defeat” them in order to get something.
This vibrates in every word you speak, through every nuance of your communication. It is not consciously assessed by women, it is felt on an intuitive level – its instinctual. It is what repels women and they can filter guys out for this very quickly and so they should.
This is why the pick up world came up with the ‘Neg’. It was a deliberate way to counterbalance the neediness by acting in a fake non-needy way by lowering the woman’s status. However this synthetic action, merely papers over the cracks and unless your a great actor, she will suss you out in a nano-second.
When you go into an interaction from the pick up arena, you have set out premeditated objectives before you start. You are working towards a result. you are strategising and prologuing everything towards “closing”. You are not present with her, you are 10 seconds, a minute, an hour ahead in your mind. You are saying stuff to keep her there, rather than energetically being there with her and luxuriating in the moment with no expectations.
Anyone that calls himself a pick up artist, boasts or counts the girls he “fucks”, objectify’s women, or is in anyway attached to the pick up paradigm, are over compensating for a lack of emotional autonomy.
They are needy and it comes from a place of fear and scarcity. The self assured, alpha male pick up front is merely a mirage, but if you dig a bit deeper they have an obsession with being validated by others.
Anyone that counts how many women they have slept with are incomplete and emotionally needy.
Anyone needing to get with a vast quantity of women is incomplete and emotionally needy
Anyone that calls himself a pick up artist is incomplete and emotional needy.
Anyone who tells people how good he is with women is incomplete and emotional needy.
Anyone who says “I fucked some chick last night” is objectifying the woman and is incomplete and emotional needy.
Anyone that goes out “sarging, to find targets to close” is seeing the woman as the enemy and is incomplete and emotionally needy.
Anyone that is attached the pick up paradigm is incomplete and emotionally needy.
Men have confused the bravado of objectifying women with legitimately attractive behaviours.
I don’t see the woman as an object or as the enemy. I do not run material, nor do I stack one routine/technique onto another. In fact, quite the opposite: I focus on key principles like showing intent and being autonomous, and the words just follow. You must be detached from the outcome and must block out this strategic mindset. When I go into an interaction, I see all women as open and I share energy with them. Even though I’m walking up to the girl, I am not approaching, I am attracting. I am imagining inviting her into my energy field. I am playing and being self-amused. I focus on listening more, being empathetic and tuning into her energy. If she does not join me with this, only she can be rejected. Rejection does not feature in my own reality.
To have the women we want in our lives, instead of living in the pick up world, we first must become the strongest version of ourselves and with that comes great amounts of self-enquiry; introspectively working on understanding ourselves. It also means developing our lifestyle, our passion, our purpose and striving to live from that place on a daily even hourly basis. This is a lifelong mission and with it comes much frustration and soul searching. We do not do it because we seek the instant reward of women – that would be defeating the purpose; we do it because it is a way of living, part of our rites of passage as a man, to become great and through doing so, inspire others to become great also. A byproduct of doing this, is that we become attractive to people including women and they are attracted into our lives.
Here’s a talk I did last year for The Saturday Sarge. Saturday Sarge is a group set up predominantly for people wanting to know how to be better with women, how to talk to a woman, how to flirt, how to connect, and how to seduce.
I wanted to share my own revelations, mistakes and epiphanies that I’ve had along the way in my evolution to becoming a natural with women.
I talk about the following topics:
- the difference between being good at game and being good with women
- how leaving the pick up community is the where success really occurs
- how the pick up language renders the woman as the enemy and therefore creates an attitude of wanting to defeat her in your interactions
- how the pick up language compartmentalises interactions and makes life more and more difficult
- how to improve your development by boiling learning down from techniques to principles
- how to hold sexual pressure on a woman
- how to move from a work frame to a play frame with women
- how to be more playful and have fun and enjoy interactions again
- how approach anxiety is really your biological signal to say you are attracted to the woman and that you should act upon it
- how to be in the moment
- how to increase your internal awareness and become more centred
People often wonder “how do I get better at daygame” or “how do I learn to become a better seducer during the day”. I was walking down the street in Brighton and normally I avoid the ‘chuggers!’ (charity sellers) but one guy had a great way of getting my attention by asking me ‘If you were a cake, what cake would you be”! I thought i’d pick his brains over a coffee with his colleagues and it’s interesting to see the parallels between what they do & their knowledge of real social dynamics compared to how to get a girls number during the day. Remember that these guys are out on the streets attempting to stop and talk to everyone that goes past, for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. That’s 1000′s of people every day!
I have uploaded the audio here and I hope you find it as interesting as I did. There is a lot of cool stuff which ties in with our coaching principles at TNL including “External Awareness” – State Matching the person you wish to talk to, plus some great mindsets on dealing with rejection and how to never feel rejection. (I have included a few of the key points underneath)
- Bubbly high energy, make them smile, make it a private conversation between two friends – builds rapport. “Hey haven’t seen you for ages! ”
- Banter works!
- Adjust your energy and approach for different ages/demographic/cultural status. A young guy with swagger needs a high energy tact ” Hey brother – high five’. Whereas an old guy in a suit “hello sir how are you”
- Show to a good looking woman you want to talk to her but don’t need to, and not be intimidated by her beauty. If you’re confidence is unwavering even throughout her rejection of you – as one guy mentions ‘this knocks her down’.
(I don’t actually see it quite in this way, rather that you achieve higher status than the girl despite being rejected by her. From a true inner game sense, you then see it as her getting rejected not you even though she’s walked off. She can feel this energetically, and it makes you appear attractive.)
- Everyone’s different and have their own problems doesn’t mean they have to effect you. They’re miserable – i’m not. I’m in a BETTER SITUATION. They’re not going to effect my day.
This is a massive one, I often talk with guys about being autonomous. Once you reach a point of being fully self contained, the girl despite being significantly beautiful to you, is insignificant in the grand scale of things and no matter what her reaction, has no negative effect on you whatsoever.
- Calibrate approach to Age > What they’re wearing > Facial expression
- Gauge their likelihood to stop. (If they’re walking fast with brief case, you can understand their perceived status, sense of urgency and self-importance).
- Look for Body language – direction they’re looking, attutude. (If they look down there are less likely to stop than if they’re looking to the side.)
- You up your chances by about 80% if you establish eye contact from afar. This is only thing they are really trained at.
- In sales – if someone’s energy/mood is a 6 you be a 7. (Pace and Lead)
- Think “im going to make them smile” Then make them smile… they smile… and tell them “hey i just made them smile”.. now stop and talk. She thinks “you’ve bought enough time to talk to me”. Then its a case of her having to find a reason not to talk to you.
- GIVE them happiness and don’t ask for anything back
- People sign up because they like you not the charity.
- If you get a hard rejection, offer a small hoop by saying “Hey I just wanted to ask you a question”. Often a playful non threatening question is good such as “If you were a cake what cake would you be!” Then they’re guards down.
- Have a warm up before work, by talking to people on journey in, in a messing around, low fuss vibe. ”there she is the lovely lady her self, how you doing, you alright”. [as she walks off] ”That gives ME a boost”
- Get the buzz just from talking to people.
- Have good and bad days – expected. But within just 2 good conversations – back to good state again. Then 100 people wouldn’t stop but it doesn’t matter. Those 2 people are always there. There’s always a diamond in the rough.
- As soon as the charity jacket is off, the good state remains.
- Every person is a new story and new experience. Search for that in everyone.
- 3 rejections is limit before moving on to someone else.
Notice how when stopping a woman, most men will slink off after the first hit of rejection. Persistence is key.
- Talk to people just to pick up your mood.
- Talk to people like you’ve already sold your target of sales for the day and you just want to have a chat with no outcome in mind. They will often ask what you do.
This fits in exactly with my principle of being autonomous. You can show your desire but surrendering yourself to the moment and enjoying it without strategising towards a close, creates an energetic connection. They will then feel you are an autonomous man who does not NEED anything = attraction.
They will often then try and close you.
- When they ask about charity, put up a cheeky arbitrary barrier. “Oh c’mon then, if you want”. Flips the script so they are the debtor and you are the creditor.
Similar to seduction – if you are getting a number or somehow closing – I sometimes cheekily apply a line like ” I dunno, can I trust you” or “are you sure this is a good idea, I don’t normally do this.”
My favourite is ” I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly!”
- The charity jacket is like a superman cape, for your mood.
- Indirectly through doing the selling – get a lot of phone numbers.
Primary objective for charity workers is selling on the street, chatting to girls is secondary objective, yet 100′s of phone numbers.
- Never send a boring text.
- Test the water by courting with risk. The girl knows what person I am when getting my number.
- Only get numbers off people you like. Cocky ones are best, give you some shit back.
- use call back humour/nicknames.
- “You’re interesting you keep me on my toes”
Key principle to texting is – Always be the same personality you were when you met them. Any incongruence is creepy for instance being a fun lovin’ cheeky guy, then texting “did you get home ok” like some PG movie douchebag.
If you wish to improve your day game, learn how to stop a woman correctly on the street or wish to master all aspects of seduction, please leave your details and we will provide a free 1-1 consultation.
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For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction – Newtons 3rd law.
“Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, “Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.”
Man bursts into tears. Says, “But Doctor… I am Pagliacci.”
The clown that wears a happy face, is often a façade that gives away what is really going on underneath the surface. The brighter the feathers, the uglier the peacock. We build this exterior, and project this image to the world because it is exactly what we lack on the inside.
Deliriously happy comedians have a high suicide rate. Depression is also a prominent condition with comedians and as Freud claimed, this exaggerated humour is often a mask for disturbing truths.
A 1992 survey of professional therapists found that more than two-thirds of the women and one-third of the men reported having experienced some form of sexual or physical abuse in early life. Freud asserted that loss or trauma, especially in childhood was the underlying cause of an adult’s desire to help others. Freud himself suffered from neuroses, blackouts, substance abuse and attempted suicide.
Speak to most nutrition experts and they had or still have some kind of recurring health issue which has forced them to master every nutrient that enters their body and are now in a position to teach others. Bouncers and policeman, (not all but more than a few), take on the position of power because at some point past or present, have felt insecure and need to throw their weight around as a way to remedy the insecurity. So called ‘Pick up artist’ instructors, give the same story; was a complete hopeless case with women, mastered game and are now cassanova gods. The alarming truth is, most of these instructors are STILL bad with women and worst of all, are teaching it to others.
People that wear ‘Joke clothes’, with funny slogans or rely on extravagant accesories are compensating for the fact they themselves cannot grab the attention of others and so have to superficially peacock themselves. You will often see on a night out the girls with cowboy hats and devil horns are the ones that would ordinarily get no attention.
With the advancement of social media, our facebook profile has become as much a CV of who we are, as us in the flesh. A lot then can be said about how we choose to present ourselves to the online world. However the equal and opposite of the person is more revealing…
“The Pimp shot” – The classic kiss on each cheek shot, suggests the male is a sex magnet and has female abundance. The equal and opposite reaction of this force is that they are are looking for female attention and this projection of themselves is a polarisation of what is actually going on. (A man that was genuinely getting mutiple girls, would not feel the need to show this to anyone.) When I had a similar picture up online, it came at a time when my relationship ended with my long term girlfriend and was actively seeking to get back in the field.
“The self-taken shot” – Photos where the person takes a snap of themselves, tells a great deal, especially if they try to make themselves look ‘hot’. This shows the person does not feel beautiful on the inside. If these pictures are sporadic amongst regular photos, then the timing of these pictures synchronises at the time when the person has particularly low self-esteem, have just been dumped, depressed at being single etc and is therefore pruning themself to appear more attractive. They may even take several pictures of themself until they find the most attractive one to display. If we look at the history of our own profile pictures we notice the times when we felt a lack of attention and going through a bit of a low spell, would correlate with a picture of us consciously or subconsciously chosen, either surrounded by girls or trying to look ‘hot’ – to say to the world “C’mon people look how good looking I am, message me!”
It’s ok to build up muscle, post up the occasional poser picture or with girls but if you become totally subsumed in this pseudo-avatar you have created for yourself, and are constantly exaggerating yourself outwardly, then that’s when it reveals to the world your inverted inner psyche.
I mentioned humour earlier on; a healthy way to think of it, is to use it as a glue not as a shield – with the aim of connecting with others, however I have met people who play the funny guy and it’s obvious they use it as a shield, hiding behind their funny guy, superhero alias, because just like the clown, is really hiding deep sorrow and pain, and are too scared to reveal the true Peter Parker underneath.
What are you truly revealing about yourself? Bring your awareness to your own behaviour and identity. Is it the real you or is it a defence mechanism from your ego driven sense of self? Facebook is a great example to notice this. Take a look through your own profile pictures, and your friends, do you notice any patterns?
Here is Episode 2 of my series ‘What Women Want’.
In the seduction world, people want to know how to be more attractive with women. Often they take advice from their friends, various mentors and go on bootcamps. Often the simplest answers come from the women themselves. In this series of videos I take to the streets and ask attractive girls different questions about men and what women actually want.
In this episode I ask the women I meet on the street, what they think of ‘goatees’ on men.
I made this film with a friend of mine in Melbourne – Tessa back in 2011 . The idea is to get people thinking about what they want to do before they die!
I will be starting off a section on my blog soon, where I guinea pig certain challenges set by the public, to fuck with the social matrix, destroy comfort zones, and see whats humanly possibly!
It is often said that… “A person who is nice to you but is not nice to the waiter is not a nice person”
It’s so easy to have fun and be charming to the company you’re with but then when the waiter comes over, you turn your head order your food and then turn back to the conversation you were having. In that moment you neglected them as a human being and just acted on ant autopilot. When people talk about game..(even though I hate that term) it’s something you ARE not something you have. So get out there and BE the great charming, fun, interesting person you want to be with EVERYONE, not just for the pretty girl you see at 11pm in a friday night bar.
I never really understood how other people coped…
I would be in a job for a year and then start to feel really claustrophobic – really agitated and irritated, as if life were rushing past outside the four grey walls of the office and I was wasting precious time. I would inevitably resign and then move on to another job and the same thing would occur. The confusing thing was that on paper, the position was decent and the company was reputable; I had my own office and lots of opportunities to climb the ladder: A secure future. The problem, ultimately, was that there were finite parameters to the position, and it confined me – creatively, physically, psychologicaly, and emotionally. I felt frustrated. But surely this is what “work”is? We’re not meant to actually enjoy it! We work hard for a living so that we can be rewarded later in the form of weekends and holidays, bigger pay cheques. This is just how it is, right? WRONG…
The following is an IM conversation from my last 9-5 office job in 2006:
“God, another Monday… We can’t do this for another 40 years, this is suicide”
“This doesn’t feel right, does it – how do we get out of this?”
“lol we can’t man, 25 is too old!”
“Nah, you can go at any age. You just get a loan. You can even do halls. 3 years of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’roll, man.”
“Fuck it. I’m in if you are. Let’s do it. But which uni?”
“Well, what are the best party cities in the UK”?
“Liverpool, Leeds, Manchester…”
“Right, what we’ll do is a weekend out in each one and the city we like the most, we’ll go to university there. Deal?”
So, we set off on our adventure and eventually hit Leeds. Stepping on to the streets of Leeds was like being on holiday in Ibiza: armies of girls, with legs up to their ears. (We instantly fell in love with the place!)
We picked up the prospectus from the two universities on offer and decided our fate. I eyed up the first artsy course I could find: “Contemporary Creative Practice.” According to the blurb, there were no guidelines and the first two years didn’t count towards your final grade. Jackpot. I’d do a couple of doodles a week and spend the rest of the time tapping up the campus klunge. You’ll be pleased to know, my friend had a much more thought-out method for his choice…
“I’m going to do Psychology”
“Why’s that, Stan?”
“Cos loads of girls do psychology and… I quite like Derren Brown.”
Stan lasted all of two weeks and spent the next three years playing online poker. Myself, on the other hand – I had quite a different experience…
Despite coming for all the wrong reasons, something strange began to happen. At first, the course felt like work. I was grinding through the briefs and trying to tick all the right boxes. I then started to let go, have fun with it and visually communicate what I wanted. I was no longer “blagging it,” but instead had found my inner voice – my identity – and I was turning up the volume so loud it could fill Wembley arena. The work no longer felt like work…
It had become play. By my final year, I wasn’t just drawing in notepads – I was directing live street theatre and docu-style films, holding up traffic on the motorway, getting arrested, animating, and publishing books. Holy shit, I was becoming an artist.
I finished with a first class honours degree and was named Designer of the Year by a famous design agency in 2009.
What does this mean? It means there really is no reason to languish in boring, unfulfilling jobs. We no longer need to be a slave to the old work ethic: we have entered a new era of what author Pat Kane calls ”The play ethic”:
“The play ethic is about having the confidence to be spontaneous, creative, and empathetic across every area of your life… It’s about placing yourself, your passions and enthusiasms at the centre of your world.”
Billionaires such as Richard Branson, Oprah Winfrey or Warren Buffett say that they continue doing what they do because it’s fun, not because they need the money. Here is what the late Steve Jobs, former CEO of Apple and Pixar Animation Studios, had to say on the matter:
“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work and the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle.”
We’ve all come into this world with our own individually brilliant gifts – it’s up to us to find out what they are and to share them. If we aren’t doing this, then not only are we depriving ourselves, but we’re depriving the world as well of our unique talents.
We have been told by others to believe we cannot make a living out of what we love, but the reason is usually because those people have never had the chance to do so themselves. From an early age, we are encouraged to work on our weaknesses. The real truth is, we need to work on our strengths, and work around our weaknesses. If we try to be great all rounder’s, we spread our talents too thinly and lose sight of how talented we actually are.
When you finally let go and act in alignment with your desires and strengths, you will find ways to avoid the mind-numbing work that you languished in and the effect is like dropping into a jet stream: I get to freely express myself, I play an active role in my own destiny, and the best thing about it is, I get paid for being me.