Archive for July, 2011
The following video is a metaphor for the difference between a PUA & a Natural. Bill Hicks is my idol and is an undoubted legend in the standup comedy game. He is interviewed by naturally funny Clive Anderson. In response to Clive’s questions Bill digs into his canned material to get the laughs. Clive on other hand always has a funny natural response to Bill. By the end of interview Clive throws Bill a curve ball question about Montreal and Bill’s brain short circuits and he runs out of material.
“Let’s face it, we’ve run out”
This sums up how the brain of a robotic PUA works. They are always dipping back into their canned material in order to respond and please the audience. Clive on the other hand, thinks on his feet and comes up with stuff that amuses himself.
I want to share with you one of the biggest breakthroughs I had in my development…
When we get into pickup, the language helps break down the entire process into a bite size structure. This is beneficial to begin with.
However lets look at the terminology;
Approach, Target, Open, Close, Sets, Disarm, Field Report, Wing-man…etc
We position ourselves in a metaphysical battlefield where the woman becomes the opposition; – we then adopt a command and conquer mentality, where we must DEFEAT her in order to WIN her.
You may argue that these words are simply semantics, but that’s not the case – the labels we put on things changes the meaning and our behaviour changes.
Let me explain, when we were young we would fall over and get up again. Each time we fell, we experienced a mini failure which we took as ‘positive’ feedback and we calibrated until eventually we were up on two feet. As we grew up we the word failure became a bad thing, and we were conditioned to believe failure must be avoided. Therefore, the meaning of words is everything.
It may seem innocuous to use even the word ‘Approach’ – however when we use it, we are reinforcing at an unconscious level there is some form of risk or danger. We inherit a Success/Fail frame on every interaction, and the girl can feel that you want to defeat her by acquiring something from her.
To suggest a girl needs to be ‘Opened’, is reinforcing the fact that she is presently closed off to you and you are not currently worthy of her attention, and you have to to take calculated steps to break through her armour. Think about the sorts of things you open, a door, a present, a treasure chest. It suggests they are the prize and we must work to gain something from them.
If we want to become successful with women, it is essential we lose this detrimental language and we start viewing women as women, not as objects.
We PLAY with them not WORK against them.
The pua lingo also exacerbates simple unconscious processes into difficult conscious processes.
For e.g I asked one of my clients to get me a beer from behind the bar.
as he was walking off I said “Ive changed my mind, can you approach the bar, work around the obstacles, lock in, wait till you get a IOA (an indicator of availability from the barman), open him with a statement of intent to buy, then transition into the order, and close. As he started to panic i said ‘OR you can just get me a beer!’
Now think about your interactions with women, you can either take these strategic steps, or you can ‘just get chatting’.
Think about this with everything we do comfortably without thinking; driving a car, doing up our shoe laces, locking the front door. Now imagine trying to do these things broken down into meticulous, sequential, conscious steps.
To reach a point of mastery, you must be detached from the outcome and must lose this strategic mindset. When I go into an interaction, I see all women as open (adj.) and I share energy with her. I work on being the brightest most present, emptathetic man i can be, which takes me out of my head and into the moment.
You will notice in my blogs I refrain from using the PUA lingo as much as possible and as you get better, hopefully you will too, and notice the difference in your results.
“These thoughts did not come in any verbal formulation. I rarely think in words at all. A thought comes, and I may try to express it in words afterward.” – Einstein
“Hmm… I’m just thinking, can I have… your phone number?”
I like engaging women in a way that amuses me. This shows that you don’t take her or life seriously and creates an immediate emotional impact. It also shows non-neediness. Here you can see I subvert the normal scenario of ordering a coffee into a number close, as my opener.
“my phone number?I don’t know about that youre a man off the street!”
I look up at menu, “Do you have your phone number here?”
She actually looks up at the menu list on wall which is funny!
“Is it up there?”
“Do you want me to pour it into a coffee” She enters into the game.
“You’re cute” Showing that the playful game has a clear intent that I’m there genuinely for her.
“Do i have to order a croissant with it?” Micro release of pressure in playful way.
“I don’t normally do this!
“but can I though?” I actually soften my voice and flip from joker to sincere when I deliver this. To go from funny ballsy guy to sincere vulnerable guy.
“…Im john can i give you a call tonight” The last impression she has of me is critical in the interaction and is the bit which eliminates the flake. I give her a long melting look in her eyes and soft sexual delivery, to put pressure on her as to whether she was serious and to solidify the close.
I’m John, the official TNL London representative!
I love partying and nightlife. Always have done. It became somewhat of a trademark of mine, whenever I was high, to be sick on the dancefloor, (once over the shoulder of the girl I was grinding with!) As I stood over my splat one night I had a hedonistic vision of creating the ‘sickest’ club event in London. And so my events company was born – SICK ON THE DANCEFLOOR. It began with a party of 30 friends at a small gay bar on the suburbs of London, and within 10 events was pulling in 2000 people and voted 7th best night in the UK by Mixmag.
When I read the game and found out about the pick up community I was shocked to see there was a ‘strategy’ involved to getting with girls. When I split up with my ex girlfriend, I started to give it a go and to my horror I found I was getting worse with women – how could this be so! The pick up terminology treats interactions with women as some kind of military operation – approach, open, close, sets, field report, sarge. These words treat women as the enemy and exacerbate simple organic processes and create unnecessary pressure & anxiety. These words stem from a position of fear. Each time you use the word ‘approach’, you subtley reinforce at an unconscious level, the belief that there is some form of risk or danger. Let me put it this way – You wouldn’t ‘approach’ your mum in the kitchen now would you? I resorted back to just going out and having fun and I started to get girls again.
It got me thinking about what it is to be an attractive man. The answer to me is PLAY. As long as you are PLAYING, you are succeeding in PLAYING. You cannot fail because you are always achieving your primary result – to PLAY! When you do this you often achieve an overt secondary result too – which is the girl! It was a major breakthrough for me to go from being attached to the outcome and setting up a success/fail frame with women, to being detached and playful. When you do this, there is no such thing as rejection, and life becomes a buffet. I started my own coaching business in London called The Female Formula, using hands-on/fun workshops. I am now proudly working as the official London representative for TNL. So anyway guys, this is just a quick introduction to me and what I am about.
Expect more crazy, ballsy, and playful blogs & videos where I push the boundaries of pick up to show what’s truly possible.